Paranoid
by Sabi's dream world
Summary: Merlin is hit with a curse that makes him paranoid about Arthur's safety. It gets out of hand and nearly costs him his life. Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts


There's a knock at the door.

"Mm-mm…" Arthur mumbles in his half-asleep state.

Another knock.

"Hmm, come in." Arthur mumbles again, annoyed at being awakened.

Another few knocks.

Arthur finally gets out of bed to go open the door in only his breeches. He hopes that the person on the other side is a male.

He forcefully opens the door and puts on a slight glare, which he will adapt appropriately depending on who is in front of him. That glare immediately turns into the most annoyed and angry glare he could muster up.

"Merlin!" He keeps glaring.

"Arthur!" Merlin says almost surprised to see him there.

"What on earth has got you knocking at my door like this at this hour?!"

"It's morning?" Merlin says and puts on a weird smile.

"Why are you knocking then?" Arthur asks.

"First you want me to knock, then you don't. You should truly make up your mind."

"There's a difference between knocking, waiting and then coming in or knocking and coming in after my response, and knocking constantly. I said come in so you come in." Arthur explains in exasperation.

"I wasn't sure if it was you who said come in."

"Well who else would it be! Ugh. Come on. I need to get dressed."

"Right." Merlin says as he stares at Arthur for while, and not only his face mind you, before looking out the door and closing it.

"What? Is someone there?" Arthur asks.

"No…I thought there was…"

Arthur just shakes his head.

Merlin walks over to the closet and picks out a set of clothes. Walking over to Arthur he undresses him and Arthur sees Merlin blush, which puzzles him. Arthur's stomach grumbles.

"When was the last time you've eaten?!" Merlin exclaims. He gets up and puts his hand on Arthur's forehead.

"What on earth are you doing?" Arthur says as he shoves Merlin's hand off.

"The last time I ate was last night when you got me dinner. Now, get me some breakfast if you're so worried." Arthur says.

Soon after Merlin leaves there's a knock at the door.

"Oh for crying out loud, just come in Merlin." Arthur says exasperated.

However, instead, Leon's head pops in.

"Sire, may I?" The knight asks.

"Oh. Yes, of course. Come in Leon."

They talk some business.

Merlin walks in and his eyes bulge.

"You don't need to fight! Don't fight! It's not worth it! You're both good knights!" Merlin starts saying as he walks in between Sir Leon and Arthur.

"What are you babbling on about Merlin?! We're not fighting! And yes, I know we are good knights. What has gotten into you today?" Arthur exclaims.

Leon looks between the two men in confusion but decides not to try figure things out.

"Nothing! I just..thought…" Merlin begins but doesn't finish.

"Well you should stop thinking, it's obviously hurting you. Sir Leon, was there anything else?" Arthur asks and hopes that's it because he is dying of hunger.

"That is all sire. Enjoy your breakfast."

"I will see you out on the training field." Arthur says.

Sir Leon bows and leaves the room.

Arthur and Merlin eat silently, but Arthur sees Merlin sending worried glances Arthur's way.

"Hey Merlin, do you remember that sword?" Arthur asks out of nowhere.

"What? No. Why? What?" Merlin asks in confusion.

"The Excalibur. How do you think it works?"

"What? How should I know? I have nothing to do with it!" Merlin exclaims

"I'm not saying you do. I'm just wondering. Never mind." Arthur says in frustration.

Arthur goes to the training field.

"I can't allow you to do this! I thought you were my friend?!" Merlin runs out onto the field staring at Gwaine as Gwaine pretend 'kills' Arthur with the sword. Running to them Merlin takes away the sword from the two stunned knights.

"Weapons are bad for you! Bad!" Merlin says and throws them as far as he can.

"Arthur, I don't think this is a good place for you to be. Anything could happen! Gwaine almost killed you!" Merlin's voice rises in pitch.

"I did, didn't I." Gwaine laughs as he only finds this amusing but Arthur sends him a glare.

"Merlin, what is wrong with you today?! This is training not battle. Besides, the swords are blunt." Arthur says.

"I know, but still…" Merlin says quietly.

"But still nothing. I could put you in the stocks for this you know." Arthur says though both of them know he won't. However, if Merlin keeps up his current behaviour he might do it just to avoid any more embarrassment.

"I know. I probably deserve it." Merlin says sadly, hanging his head.

Arthur looks at Gwaine as if looking for answers but Gwaine just shrugs.

"I need lunch." Arthur says.

"I have it ready." Merlin smiles.

They walk into Arthur's chambers.

Merlin begins digging through the food sniffing it and touching certain parts.

"I'm not sure I even want to know what you're doing." Arthur asks, less annoyed than he should be at the fact that his manservant is touching his food. With Merlin's behaviour today, not much else could surprise him. He learned a long time ago that when it comes to Merlin nothing is normal, and when Merlin is in one of his strange moods or what have you it's better to leave it alone.

"Well someone could have poisoned it, I have to check. Maybe I should make the meal myself…" Merlin says, almost as if he were talking to himself.

"I doubt anyone has poisoned it. And I don't need a meal from you, that's why we have a cook. Now sit down and stop touching my food." Arthur orders.

Merlin does sit down, however, he does not stop fidgeting.

Arthur sends Merlin off to do a variety of chores whilst he makes his way to Gaius' chambers.

Of course who does he find there other than Gaius? Merlin. He had hoped to do this without Merlin present but it seems this won't be a possibility.

"Did I not send you to do chores?" Arthur gives Merlin the eyebrow but he knows it doesn't work.

"Yes, and I will do them. But I thought Gaius was sick so I had to come and check up on him."

"Gaius? If you are feeling unwell, I can lend you Merlin for the day." Arthur asks worriedly.

"I am fine sire. It's only Merlin who seems to think I am not well today. Was there something you wanted sire?" Gaius shakes his head.

"Yes."

"Arthur, you shouldn't drink any of his potions. I love Gaius dearly but one of them could be poisoned. And maybe don't stand so closely. Gaius may be older but he's still capable of strangling a person." Merlin pipes in.

"Merlin!" Arthur and Gaius both exclaim at the same time.

"Actually that is the reason I came to talk to you Gaius." Arthur nods his head towards Merlin.

"Poison or strangling?" Gaius says, partially grinning. He can't tell if Gaius is joking or not.

"No. About Merlin's…strange behaviour today…I don't know if he's been like that just around me or…"

"No, sire. Around me as well, and others, but I feel like it's the strongest around you. I have been trying to figure out what is wrong, however I have a feeling it may be more than just Merlin being Merlin." Gaius says.

"What do you mean?" Arthur frowns suddenly less annoyed at Merlin and more afraid for him.

"The curse you said was sent your way a week ago when you were taken by bandits? The words, they would fit with what way Merlin has been acting. I fear he has been hit with a curse of extreme paranoia, especially about your safety it would appear." Gaius explains.

Arthur's eyebrows raise.

"Why would cursing anyone with caring for my safety be dangerous for Camelot? It obviously wasn't well planned out. Not that Merlin could really prevent anything bad from happening to me." Arthur wonders.

"I believe the paranoia will only increase. Now these are only theories but it might lead to him taking the life of everyone else or even more likely insanity. In any case it's hard to say what paranoia could lead to. But it should not be underestimated. I am also certain that anything we say to him or around him won't be taken lightly, such as joking." Gaius explains.

"How do we…un-curse him?…Because it is getting slightly ridiculous…" Arthur asks.

"What if he doesn't get here on time?! What if he's not on his way at all?! What if he is and gets caught and killed by bandits?! What if he's sick?! What if he finds out about me?! He can't find out about me." Merlin mutters in the dungeon of a castle.

He gets rescued though Arthur heard all of that mumbling.

"I have to! I can't! I have to! I can't! I have to! I can't!"

"Merlin! If you don't shut up right this second I will honestly leave you right here!" Arthur turns to look at Merlin.

Merlin closes his mouth completely. Arthur notices a tinge of fear in his eyes and feels guilty for the outburst.

"I'm not actually leaving you here Merlin, you know that. But you have got to shut your mouth."

Arthur says and they continue, Merlin completely silent.

Arthur finds Merlin hidden in his room.

"Hiding again are—Merlin?" Arthur comes bursting in but then he notices Merlin in the corner. It almost looks as if he were trying to make himself small.

"Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Just punish me! Do it! Hate. Hate. I have to! I can't! I have to, I promised, and if I don't then I might as well not be." Merlin keeps repeating to himself, rubbing his hands nervously together, tapping his foot, his arms wrapped around each other, and tears falling down his face. It seems he doesn't realize Arthur is there because he is so consumed in his monologue.

Arthur walks over to Merlin and tries to shake him out of it.

"Merlin! Stop it! Merlin, can you hear me?"

"I can always hear Arthur. He is always there…until he isn't…" Merlin says but it's apparent to Arthur that he isn't really talking to Arthur.

"Merlin, please. Come back to me. Stop muttering these horrible words to yourself." Arthur says desperately.

"It's for Arthur. But he will hate me. His hurt will destroy me. I must kill myself then. No, but then who will protect him? I must protect him because what will become of me then? He is the sun." Merlin looks up at Arthur as he says these things but seems to look through Arthur.

Arthur frowns.

"Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Just punish me! Do it! Hate. Hate. I have to! I can't! I have to, I promised, and if I don't then I might as well not be."

"Merlin? You must promise me you will never take your own life. You cannot, do you understand me?" Arthur order him.

"I am not important. He is. He is a beautiful and great king. I must protect him. At any cost. But he will get me. He will find me. And I will get what I deserve. Hate. Hate. Hate. Punishment!" Merlin keeps rocking his body back and forth.

Arthur sits down completely out of his depths here. Gaius is out on his rounds or what not and he's afraid of finding one of his trusted knights or Gwen. So he waits there with Merlin, listening to the horrible words until he hears the shuffling of Gaius coming back.

"Gaius!"

"Sire? What is it?"

"It's…it's Merlin…he's…"

Gaius appears in the doorway. He looks at the scene in front of him with Merlin muttering these words as if it were a mantra, and tears streaming down.

"He was scratching himself, there was blood, I tried to stop what I could but I was also afraid of leaving him because some of the things he said made him sound—…but I didn't know what to do Gaius. He's been like this for hours! What's happening to him?" Arthur begs Gaius for answers.

"He's deteriorating…" Gaius whispers to himself.

"What do you mean?"

"That curse seems to be taking over him more and more until it reaches parts of a person that contradict. There are some things people can be paranoid about that contradict each other and now that is what's happening to him and it's all battling inside his head. I think he's trying to fight it by scratching himself and curling in on himself, but I don't know if he can last."

"Gaius, what else can be done? I will do anything." Arthur says because it's true.

"The last option is you take him to the Lake of Avalon. Take him with a few trusted knights."

Arthur immediately sets out to find his five knights, Lancelot, Gwaine, Leon, Percival, and Elyan, and putting Merlin in front of him on his horse they set out as quick as they can.

"Merlin, hang on. We will get you the help you need. Just…hang in there, for me, alright?" Arthur whispers in Merlin's ear, though he's not sure if he can even hear him.

"Maybe you should try to give him some water to drink, sire. He's basically been talking non-stop, his throat might be dry." Leon says. Arthur does so. And Merlin continues his chanting.

"What do you think he's talking about?" Gwaine asks. Arthur had explained to them what Gaius told him but he didn't know what he was talking about. Arthur catches Lancelot looking down, so he frowns, but thinks nothing of it because Merlin almost falls of the horse.

They finally get to the Lake. Arthur does as Gaius instructed him. And soon enough a beautiful lady appears.

"King Arthur of Camelot and his Knights. And…Merlin." Arthur notices she smiles almost affectionately at the end but he decides to ignore that in favour of getting this over quickly and saving Merlin from destroying himself.

"Merlin has been struck by a vicious curse of paranoia and my trusted advisor has told me that there are two large aspects vying for attention in his mind but they are contradictory so they are slowly making him loose his mind." Arthur explains.

"Yes, Gaius is right. And I believe I can guess what those two aspects may be." the Lady of the Lake says almost sadly. Arthur raises his eyebrows in surprise when she mentions Gaius but doesn't question it.

"Is there any way you could help him? I will do anything as the price." Arthur says. It's wrong. He shouldn't be saying such words. His kingdom comes before anything else, not his manservant. But he knows deep down in his heart that he would indeed give up anything for Merlin.

"I know you would King Arthur. There are two ways I can think of fixing this. One is that he chooses one of the aspects and lets go of it, therefore no more mental dilemma. Or I could try using my magic but it may not work." The Lady explains.

"I fear he is too far gone for him choosing something…" Arthur looks down at the body in his arms.

"I sadly fear you are correct. And though I wish he would just give in and do it, it is not my place to do it for him." the Lady says and Arthur has no idea what she is talking about.

"Let me try something." the Lady says.

She walks over to Merlin whom Arthur laid down on the ground. She gently touches his shoulder.

"Merlin, come on. Give it to me. Let go of it." She says.

And Merlin's chanting stops.

"I can't." Merlin mumbles.

"Yes, you can. You have done so much goodness, there is no need to fear. Let go. I will take it." The Lady says gently.

"It's too strong. I have to contain it." Merlin mumbles.

"You will only destroy yourself if you do so." The Lady says.

"It's the only way." Merlin mumbles.

"Oh Merlin. I know you always feel there's only that one way, but I am offering you another. Hold my hand and free it. There are two aspects vying for attention, and I think I know which they are. But if it destroys you what will be the point? You have still yet so much to do." The Lady explains.

"Maybe it's time. I am tired." Merlin says. Arthur frowns because for one moment it made Merlin sound so old, as if he really were at the end of his old long-lived life.

"I know you are. But it is not your time. Trust me as I trusted you. Let go." the Lady smiles at him and takes his hand in her hands. And finally he seems to be letting go. The black and golden strings of the curse coursing through his arm into her hand. She seems to shake from the darkness of it and the more it goes into her the more she shakes until a small gasp comes out of her but that is it. She had absorbed it. But she is no longer a mortal being, she can take it, it will only take some time.

Merlin drops to the ground.

"Is he alright?" Arthur asks.

"He will be. He's breathing. The curse is gone. But it may take days before he truly wakes up. But he will live." She chokes out from between breaths. He runs over to Merlin.

"I don't know how to thank you! What is the payment?" Arthur asks.

The Lady smiles.

"The only payment I ask of you Arthur Pendragon is that you be the brave, just king Merlin has always talked about and that when Merlin finally tells you what he must, I ask that you will be strong and overcome it. He is a good man." The Lady says.

"Yes, he is." Arthur says, though he has no idea what everything else she said meant.

"How do you know him?" Arthur asks.

"Oh we met a very long time ago when I was still among the living….he saved me. And now I have repaid my debt." The Lady says.

"Thank you." Arthur whispers. Just then Merlin suddenly sits up.

"Freya?" Merlin looks at the Lady.

"Merlin? You have to sleep."

"You…you freed me Freya. Thank you." he says. She nods.

"Merlin?" she says. He nods.

"Tell him." She says.

"I…" he swallows and then nods. And then he falls back on the ground unconscious.

The knights and Arthur haul Merlin back to Camelot and he rests.

Arthur walks across his chambers in thoughts. He's not sure what to think about first. The Lady of the Lake, whose name is Freya, that Merlin seemed closely acquainted with. Arthur tries not to let that sting but a part of him wants Merlin to only be friends with him. It was very petty and unnaturally possessive.

He also wonders about what the two aspects that were vying for Merlin's attention were. He's pretty sure one of them has something to do with keeping people safe but he has no idea what the other may be, especially as it's something that is contradictory.

He can't stop thinking about the words Merlin said in his chanting. He can hear them ringing in his ears in his silent chambers.

'Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Just punish me! Do it! Hate. Hate. I have to! I can't! I have to, I promised, and if I don't then I might as well not be. I can always hear Arthur. He is always there…until he isn't…It's for Arthur. But he will hate me. His hurt will destroy me. I must kill myself then. No, but then who will protect him? I must protect him because what will become of me then? He is the sun. I am not important. He is. He is a beautiful and great king. I must protect him. At any cost. But he will get me. He will find me. And I will get what I deserve. Hate. Hate. Hate. Punishment!'

He couldn't understand how such strong words like hate could even come out of the mouth of a man such as Merlin. He blushed a little when he remembered Merlin calling him the sun. Why did Merlin think Arthur would hate him? So much so as to contemplate killing himself. Arthur tried not to think about the millions of images coming up in his head of Merlin lying on the ground dead. He wasn't sure if he was even capable of hating Merlin, even if he wanted to. Why did Merlin the idiot constantly think he had to protect Arthur? It was Arthur's duty to protect Merlin not the other way around. And Arthur would go to the ends of the universe to protect Merlin, though he would never say so.

And probably the biggest question of them all, what was it that Merlin was supposed to tell Arthur?

Merlin was finally back. And in their true fashion Arthur immediately set him to work.

"Wow. I almost die, I'm unconscious for days and my reward is mucking the stables." Merlin says.

"Well you've missed many days, you need to catch up. For all I know you were just pretending to sleep and lazing about." Arthur says though he smiles because he missed their banter and he hopes Merlin knows that he didn't truly think that. Merlin just grins at him hugely.

"So, no longer paranoid that everyone's trying to kill me?"

"Well, I am pretty sure that there are many who are trying to kill you. Just not as many and I can't be bothered to go through your food to figure it out." Merlin smiles.

"Idiot."

"Dollophead."

"Merlin?" Arthur says suddenly. Merlin was cleaning up his chambers silently and Arthur was going over new reports from the borders.

"Hm?"

"Actually the proper response is, yes sire?" Arthur says.

"Pfff." Merlin smiles and Arthur rolls his eyes.

"The Lady of the Lake said there is something you need to tell me." Arthur goes back to being serious. Merlin shifts nervously.

"She probably just meant for me to thank you, you know and stuff." Merlin says but avoids eye contact with Arthur.

"Merlin. Sit." Arthur sits down himself and points at the seat in front of him. Merlin shifts around and doesn't sit.

"Merlin." Arthur keeps pointing at the seat.

"I believe I have some chores to do." Merlin looks around.

"Suddenly the chores seem appealing." Arthur smirks.

Arthur stands up and walks over to Merlin. And Merlin flinches but obviously regrets that. Arthur frowns.

"Merlin, just sit down. I don't bite. Whatever it is that you are to tell me, I will listen alright?" Arthur tries to say calmingly, as if talking to a scared child.

"But I don't—" Merlin begins and is immediately cut off by Arthur.

"Merlin."

"I…don't know how…" Merlin sighs.

"You don't know how, how what?"

"How to tell you…" Merlin looks down.

"Maybe with words?"

"It's not that easy. I…I wish I could have told you earlier…but the longer that I don't tell you, the more you will hate me…and…"

"Merlin! I won't hate you! I couldn't hate you even if I tried!" Arthur says and cringes realizing that he bared himself more than he wished.

Merlin looks at him surprised but also sad.

"I'm afraid…I'm a coward Arthur…" Merlin says.

"Merlin, you are anything but a coward. The bravest man I have met. Stupid, but brave." Arthur says. He wouldn't usually acknowledge it but he feels Merlin needs to hear this.

"I wish that were true…"

"Merlin, you don't have to be afraid. What are you afraid of?" Arthur asks.

"Of your disappointment. Of your hate. Of your hurt. Of your sadness. Of your anger." Merlin says and finally looks into Arthur's eyes. Arthur sees the fear and anxiety and sadness in Merlin's eyes. He truly does want to know what is troubling Merlin but he also fear he may regret it.

There's silence in the room. Arthur doesn't know how to respond to that.

"Whatever it is that you want, need, to tell me, it's obviously something that has been eating away at you for some time." Arthur says.

Then out of nowhere a small blue orb appears in mid-air, accompanied by a brief flash of gold in Merlin's eyes.

Arthur stares in fascination. At first at the orb and then in the now-blue eyes of Merlin, and back at the orb.

"You're…" Arthur begins but can't bring himself to say it.

"I was born with magic." Merlin says and Arthur can visibly see a large load drop from Merlin's shoulders.

"You saved me that day." Arthur says pointing towards the blue orb.

"No, you saved me." Merlin says as he recalls Arthur going out to get the flower that would save Merlin's life even though the two of them barely knew each other.

Arthur thinks back to that day. Already back then he was willing to sacrifice everything for Merlin. Already back then Merlin saved his life many times.

The interaction at the lake makes more sense now.

"Lancelot knew." Arthur says.

"How did you know?" Merlin asks.

"He was strangely…quiet…and avoided my eyes." Arthur laughs.

"He caught me when I covered his spear in magic in order to kill the beast."

"He caught you! Merlin, you idiot! You could've gotten killed!" Arthur exclaims.

"He wasn't going to say anything. But I know it has been weighing on him greatly for his loyalty is to you. But other than that no one knows except for Gaius and my mother of course." Merlin says.

"I don't even know how you've managed to stay alive." Arthur says.

"Neither do I." Merlin smiles.

"I never want to hear you say such terrible things about yourself, do you hear me Merlin?" Arthur says seriously as he takes Merlin hands in his.

Merlin squeezes Arthur hands and the lean their foreheads against each other.

Perhaps one day, Arthur will tell Merlin of his secret.


End file.
